Ashamed. I never thought that would be a feeling that I would get used to. But I find myself recalling that sinking feeling in my stomach, and the throbbing in my temples as I lay awake at night, contemplating my actions. I wonder "what did I do now?" when heads turn in my direction. I get suspicious of supposedly genuine smiles. The high cloud that I've been on seems to have burst, and I can't even find solace in the hugs of my best friend. All I feel is guilt. Guilt for not practicing tennis, and driving around too much. Guilt for liking a guy even though I knew I probably shouldn't, and guilt for even thinking my friends would be okay with that. I feel guilty for lies that I told in freshman year, that have come back to bite me in the ass. But most of all, I feel guilty because I thought this would last. Its funny that, even as I sit here and cry, thinking; hoping that things will get better, I know I'll wake up tomorrow morning and realize that this isn't a dream. My sister, who had finally started to see me as a friend, has realized that a bitch I am. I don't know how I'm gonna get into college. I suck at tennis. My parents don't trust me. I'm not as pretty as I thought I was, or as smart. I have no job, and no gas money. I'm out of shape. I owe more money to the library than I'm able to recall. And no matter how hard I try, I will never be the person everyone wants me to be.

I almost got sick this morning- thinking about all this bullshit that assaulted my mind when I woke up from a dreamfilled sleep. Its ever funnier, you know, what I dream about. I dream about love. The kinda that is promised- the best of all. The love of family, and the love of friends. They are not dreams though- more like nightmares. Nightmares filled with the sneering, judgemental faces that have come to represent the ones I love- my lovelies- damning me for sins I was never aware of committing in the first place. The freams mean nothing though- they have become my reality.

My existence is no longer comfortable- it has become a chore. Friends that were always a breath away, now aren't even within arms reach.

I am sorry that I've intruded upon your lives. I'm sorry that dealing with me is suck a chore. I'm sorry that I can't listen to your problems and that I wear my heart on my sleeve. I'm sorry that I can't keep my own secrets, and I feel like I have to share every aspect of my life with you. But I'm also sorry that my secrets are apparently too hard to keep, and that water seems to be thicker than blood. I'm also sorry that I can't handle your judgement, or your snide remarks. And most of all, I'm sorry that I refuse to put anyone else before you; the people that I love more than life itself.